"You expect me to wear what?" and "Oh, so THAT'S what goes up my ass!"

So, today was the day...today was the first time I practiced the samba routine properly in dance shoes, on a hard word floor. It was, ummm, challenging to say the least. I am going to have to practice a LOT over the next month.

We rehearsed for 3 hours today and we were all sweating like there was no tomorrow.

Today was also the day we got our costumes! YAY!

I will be wearing a lovely green ensemble. The g-string portion of my costume is not in my possession yet. It is currently holidaying in Queensland. Well, kind of. A dancer was using the g-string part in some show in QLD, so I will get it...sometime before our samba show. I do have the bra bit. I looked at it and I was perplexed. The cups seemed to be quite...small. I put on the bra bit over my dance leotard and I felt very nervous. The bra seemed to be about an A cup, which would be fine, if I didn't actually wear a C cup. Yes, people, I am the world's smallest C cup.

A couple of fellow dancers looked at me and were like, "Um, you are totally going to fall out of that." Um, YEAH.

I went up to my teacher and was like, "Do you have this in a bigger size?" She didn't so she said I was going to have to buy a silver bra and wear it underneath the fancy costume bra part.

I wasn't convinced this would be a good look, so I went out and bought a green bra. Then I went to Lincraft and found the exact same sequins already used on the tiny costume bra. I am going to sew the sequined fabric on the new bra so hopefully it will just look like part of the other bit. Hopefully. It might look dumb, but I'm going to give it a shot.

It was exciting to put on the gloves with the feathers (I'm going to buy more feathers, so I have Irish green and yellow green feathers, to match the Irish green and yellow green sequins in my costume) and the ankle wraps (covered in sequins) and the beautiful beaded necklace that comes with it all too. It made everything seem so real - we're all going to be so decked out! IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

When I went home I did actually try on the the costume bra bit on its own and there's no way in hell I can just wear that. It barely covers my nipples. If I didn't have to move at all, I still wouldn't really have a shot, but considering what moves we're going to be doing, NO FREAKING WAY!

Okay, now onto the HUMILIATION portion of my blog...otherwise known as "Oh, so THAT'S what goes up my ass!"

If you'll recall, we were supposed to bring our dance shoes, our fishnets, our brazilian cut undies, and the cut off waist of an old pair of pantyhose to class today so our teacher could show us how to tie everything up so it wouldn't show underneath the costume g-strings.

Our teacher was going to demonstrate on herself.

Only she forgot to wear the fishnets/correct undies.

She asked if anyone in class was wearing all the stuff.

I looked at the floor. At the ceiling. At the wall.

Someone volunteered, "Lori is wearing it all!"

Thanks, Someone!

So my teacher was all, "Can I demonstrate on you? Pretty please???"

Everyone was looking at me. Talk about taking one for the team.

I said, "Sure, why not."

Because, really, it had been at least a week since I seriously embarrassed myself, so I was long overdue.

So, I stood in front of my samba class and had to pull down my pants...to reveal skimpy underwear underneath fishnets. This is when I started to have an 'out of body' experience. I pretended like it was simply not happening.

My teacher proceeded to take the pantyhose bit and tie it through the back of my undies and then HIKE THE UNDIES up....UP MY ASS! Instant g-string!!! So now, my entire class was looking at my ass covered only by fishnets. Then she asked me to do a very undignified squat and hike up my fishnets further. Then she used the pantyhose thingy to pull my undies up yet some more and then finally brought the pantyhose bit back under my crotch, and then tied the ends through the front of my undies. More out-of-body experiences. I just kept pretending like I wasn't really standing in front of my classmates with my pants down and my ass showing.

The extra hilarious bit is that because I was the one being demonstrated on and humiliated, I couldn't actually see what was happening back there, so I probably will need someone to tell me again how to do it when the time comes.

The positive news is the girls said my butt looked good in the fishnets, so it's obviously hiding my occasional small areas of cellulite. This is promising. YAY!

During all this naked-butt-in-fishnets madness, people kept trying to get into the dance studio but the receptionist had the good heart to try to keep what was left of my dignity still in tact, so she didn't let anyone in until I hiked my pants back up. This was comforting. What was not comforting was seeing some old guy with a video camera walking around the studio (before the receptionist let anyone in). I suddenly remembered he had been filming us rehearsing briefly about a half hour earlier. Doh!

So help me if the mofo was filming during that special performance of mine...I'd have another use for steel rod in my new dance shoes heels! If anyone sees my ass on the internet, please let me know. ;-)

So there you go, people, I was the only person who showed up with everything we were meant to have and I get "punished" and humiliated for it. Obviously all is back to normal in the world again! ;-)

Dancing Shoes, Laundry, and Personal Training

Normally Sundays are my writing days, but since I had errands and a personal training appointment today, I made late Saturday arvo my writing time.

OH! I have finally started speaking to The Writer Lady. I'm not sure if I have written about The Writer Lady here before. She goes and writes at the same spot I write, week after week, just like me. We both sit by a water fountain, hogging two tables each, and spend many hours writing each weekend amidst the noise and bustle of a food court.

The Writer Lady has been coming to my 'spot' for probably a year now and we had never really spoken before. We'd give each other the smile and the nod, or maybe a wave, from time to time, but that was pretty much it. She did say one thing to me once after seeing the obscene amount of sour cream I had on my chilli con carne. Her mouth dropped open in shock and she exclaimed, "My, we're indulging today!" and I smiled and said, "Yup." I wanted to tell her that her reaction was actually kinder than most when they see my sour cream addiction. I like EXTRA sour cream. Or rather, EXTRA EXTRA sour cream. This is one of the things that bonds Claudine and I. We adore our sour cream and we hate people who are stingy with it.

So when the Mexican place gets stingy, we ask for more. A month or so ago, a guy who has made me my Mexican food for years, was, in fact, being stingy with the sour cream, so I asked for a bit more, and instead of just humouring me (since I am one of their best customers of all time), he told me I was going to get fat.

Perhaps.

But what a way to go...now, shut up and gimme my sour cream, bastard! ;-)

Anyway, I've actually had people walk by me, take a look at my Mexican food, with a small mountain of sour cream decorating the top, and say, very loudly, "Ugh, gross!" They just don't understand ;-)

So, the point is, The Writer Lady and I now know each other's first names. I asked her if she was some famous writer and she said no, that she just likes to write. I hear ya, sister! :-)

I gots shoesies!

So, please, don't ask me how much my new dance shoes were. I might cry. Just a little. They cost more than I was hoping to spend, but they are proper dance shoes, they're very cute, and I will definitely be able to wear them again. I figure a klutz like me needs a proper dance shoe with the steel rod in the the heel and suede soles to (hopefully) stop me from sliding unintentially across the dance floor.

I also bought my fishnets and Brazilian cut undies, so I'm all set for next Sat.

After my successful shopping mission, I ran home to quickly do some laundry. I had to go to the Laundromat down the road because my washing machine is on the fritz and I haven't had a chance to call to get it fixed yet. I haven't had a chance to call to get it fixed yet because that would require tidying up my apartment to a point where I'm not embarrassed to let a repairman in to see it. :-(

I basically only have to do laundry about once a month because I have lots of clothes and over 30 pairs of undies. Once the undies are gone, dum-de-dum-dum-DUM - LAUNDRY DAY!!!

Make me fit, baby!

So after all the laundry madness (boy did I have a LOT to do!), I ran over to Carlos's for my introductory training session. He wrote up a fitness program for me so I actually know what I need to do when I go to the gym now - yay! Before I went and did stuff, but fairly aimlessly, not knowing if what I was doing was actually helpful. Now I know what my heartrate needs to be, how long I need to do the bike/treadmill for, what weights to do, etc. I have my very own little program folder I bring around with me when I do the weights and cardio and I write down what I did each time. I feel like I'm back in school and Carlos will grade me on my performance. ;-)

Carlos also showed me some exercises I can do at home, with the exercise bands I have. I didn't realise how much he had me doing until I woke up the next morning and swore while trying to stand up. My legs were in so much pain, I pretty much was swearing every time I stood up or sat down. Especially sitting down. Going to the bathroom was fun. Why are toilets so freaking low? I was praying the toilet seat could some how magically rise up to meet my ass, but alas, no.

I SMSd Carlos to thank him for kicking my ass (legs) and for making me a healthy (and yummy!) dinner after our training session. Such a good boy!!! :-D

Um, you want me to stick what up my ass?

At the end of our Samba dance rehearsal this afternoon, my teacher made some slightly alarming comments. She told us that by next Saturday, we need to have bought our dance shoes, fishnets, and Brazilian cut undies, AND we needed to cut off the waist of a pair of pantyhose and bring it in. Why did we need to bring in the waist of a pair of pantyhose? Because apparently we needed it to tie our underwear, fishnets, and of course the pantyhose waist thingy UP OUR BUTTS.

Then she said. "Girls, this will be very uncomfortable. And the head pieces are going to hurt a lot too. Okay, see you next week!"

Um, what???

I mean, I was wondering how the whole underwear + fishnets thing was going to work when our costume bottoms consist of g-strings with strands of beads going around them, but, no one ever mentioned tying things up our butts before. So, this is the life of a dancer, eh? ;-)