"You expect me to wear what?" and "Oh, so THAT'S what goes up my ass!"

So, today was the day...today was the first time I practiced the samba routine properly in dance shoes, on a hard word floor. It was, ummm, challenging to say the least. I am going to have to practice a LOT over the next month.

We rehearsed for 3 hours today and we were all sweating like there was no tomorrow.

Today was also the day we got our costumes! YAY!

I will be wearing a lovely green ensemble. The g-string portion of my costume is not in my possession yet. It is currently holidaying in Queensland. Well, kind of. A dancer was using the g-string part in some show in QLD, so I will get it...sometime before our samba show. I do have the bra bit. I looked at it and I was perplexed. The cups seemed to be quite...small. I put on the bra bit over my dance leotard and I felt very nervous. The bra seemed to be about an A cup, which would be fine, if I didn't actually wear a C cup. Yes, people, I am the world's smallest C cup.

A couple of fellow dancers looked at me and were like, "Um, you are totally going to fall out of that." Um, YEAH.

I went up to my teacher and was like, "Do you have this in a bigger size?" She didn't so she said I was going to have to buy a silver bra and wear it underneath the fancy costume bra part.

I wasn't convinced this would be a good look, so I went out and bought a green bra. Then I went to Lincraft and found the exact same sequins already used on the tiny costume bra. I am going to sew the sequined fabric on the new bra so hopefully it will just look like part of the other bit. Hopefully. It might look dumb, but I'm going to give it a shot.

It was exciting to put on the gloves with the feathers (I'm going to buy more feathers, so I have Irish green and yellow green feathers, to match the Irish green and yellow green sequins in my costume) and the ankle wraps (covered in sequins) and the beautiful beaded necklace that comes with it all too. It made everything seem so real - we're all going to be so decked out! IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

When I went home I did actually try on the the costume bra bit on its own and there's no way in hell I can just wear that. It barely covers my nipples. If I didn't have to move at all, I still wouldn't really have a shot, but considering what moves we're going to be doing, NO FREAKING WAY!

Okay, now onto the HUMILIATION portion of my blog...otherwise known as "Oh, so THAT'S what goes up my ass!"

If you'll recall, we were supposed to bring our dance shoes, our fishnets, our brazilian cut undies, and the cut off waist of an old pair of pantyhose to class today so our teacher could show us how to tie everything up so it wouldn't show underneath the costume g-strings.

Our teacher was going to demonstrate on herself.

Only she forgot to wear the fishnets/correct undies.

She asked if anyone in class was wearing all the stuff.

I looked at the floor. At the ceiling. At the wall.

Someone volunteered, "Lori is wearing it all!"

Thanks, Someone!

So my teacher was all, "Can I demonstrate on you? Pretty please???"

Everyone was looking at me. Talk about taking one for the team.

I said, "Sure, why not."

Because, really, it had been at least a week since I seriously embarrassed myself, so I was long overdue.

So, I stood in front of my samba class and had to pull down my pants...to reveal skimpy underwear underneath fishnets. This is when I started to have an 'out of body' experience. I pretended like it was simply not happening.

My teacher proceeded to take the pantyhose bit and tie it through the back of my undies and then HIKE THE UNDIES up....UP MY ASS! Instant g-string!!! So now, my entire class was looking at my ass covered only by fishnets. Then she asked me to do a very undignified squat and hike up my fishnets further. Then she used the pantyhose thingy to pull my undies up yet some more and then finally brought the pantyhose bit back under my crotch, and then tied the ends through the front of my undies. More out-of-body experiences. I just kept pretending like I wasn't really standing in front of my classmates with my pants down and my ass showing.

The extra hilarious bit is that because I was the one being demonstrated on and humiliated, I couldn't actually see what was happening back there, so I probably will need someone to tell me again how to do it when the time comes.

The positive news is the girls said my butt looked good in the fishnets, so it's obviously hiding my occasional small areas of cellulite. This is promising. YAY!

During all this naked-butt-in-fishnets madness, people kept trying to get into the dance studio but the receptionist had the good heart to try to keep what was left of my dignity still in tact, so she didn't let anyone in until I hiked my pants back up. This was comforting. What was not comforting was seeing some old guy with a video camera walking around the studio (before the receptionist let anyone in). I suddenly remembered he had been filming us rehearsing briefly about a half hour earlier. Doh!

So help me if the mofo was filming during that special performance of mine...I'd have another use for steel rod in my new dance shoes heels! If anyone sees my ass on the internet, please let me know. ;-)

So there you go, people, I was the only person who showed up with everything we were meant to have and I get "punished" and humiliated for it. Obviously all is back to normal in the world again! ;-)