My Funny Valentine

I want to marry this man, I really do. Please read his absolutely hilarious advice for couples/singles on Valentine's Day.

Lots of love,
The Future Mrs. Jason Mraz ;-)

I Be A Writer

A few years ago, I wrote about one of the characters in my novel performing a sort of personal ceremony. Recently, I performed this ceremony, so that was kinda cool. In my 'still nowhere near being finished novel', I wrote that one of my characters took scraps of paper and wrote down negative things about herself that she or other people used to believe about her that were either no longer true or were never true to begin with.

And then she lit some candles and read aloud each negative statement, refuted it and turned it into a positive statement, and then put each piece of paper into the flame of a candle and set it on fire and dropped it into a bowl and watched it burn. So,
the other day I did this.

I did it with 32 pieces of paper and it was really moving. It felt really good to watch all those negative statements burn! Some of the pieces of paper did not burn all the way, so I had to re-light them but it was kinda cool to see which statements burned the best or the brightest. I had one quite personal statement in there and when I refuted that one and changed it into a different statement, that one went WHOOOOSH! It burned the brightest!

And another cool thing happened - a couple times, the statements only got burned a little bit and the fire burned away certain words so that it changed the statement. For instance, I had written down, "I can never finish anything" and the fire burned away the "never" and so it became, "I can finish anything"!!

My favourite was this statement I wrote that said, "I will never be a writer" (this was something a stupid English teacher once told me - she was the only teacher who did not support my writing) and the fire only burned away the "will never" so the statement changed into "I be a writer" which gave me chills and made me smile.It is even better than "I will be a writer" cause "I be a writer" is present tense! :-) AND it is true. I be a writer. Maybe not a great one, but one indeed. :-)

Of course in typical Lori form, towards the end, I was reburning a scrap and a bit of ash flew out of the bowl and distracted me and the next thing I knew, my piece of paper in my hand was totally on fire and I screamed and dropped the paper on the floor! Oops! I grabbed a plate and hit the flames with it and all these sparks flew everywhere, but I put the flames out and it didn't leave any marks on my rug - phew! But I went from feeling totally relaxed and powerful to freaked out that I was gonna set my apartment on fire! OOOPS! Maybe next time I do this I should put in something about me not being a klutz! ;-)

I highly recommend this to anyone who's game, but perhaps leave out the 'setting your home on fire' thing ;-)

Bad Mama!

I am a bad fish mama! :-( I am currently a bit stressed because I bought two new slightly bigger bowls for my fishies tonight, but now I can't get them out of their current bowl. :-( I keep trying to get them out with the little fish net but they just keep jumping out of it and I keep freaking out that they're going to land on the counter or something and now my fishies are very pissed off at me! :-( :-( :-( I'm such a spazz!!! Why can't I do something so simple? :-(

Poor fishies!!!

What is WRONG with people??? - Part II

So, I get on a bus to Newtown yesterday and I notice that there's no one sitting in the middle area of the bus. People are doubled up in front and in back, but no one is in the middle. I should have realised this was a sign of bad things. So I sit down in the middle, in one of the sideways seats, opposite this 40something guy.

Within mere moments, the guy starts adjusting his, errrrr...."package." Yup. A LOT of very obvious crotch adjustment going on. No subtleties here! I look anywhere but at this guy while he does this. Then he closes his legs briefly, and opens them wide again. Then he grabs his crotch and starts wildly fiddling/whipping/shaking his crotch around. It was hard to tell if he was w.anking, or had some major jock itch thing happening, or if he was just trying to draw attention to his crotch, or perhaps, all of the above. As I was sitting across from him, it was hard NOT to look vaguely in his direction. I did not make any direct eye contact, I just looked at him out of the corner of my eye. I looked around the bus and saw others doing the same.

So Crotchie stops for a moment, shuts his legs for two seconds, then opens them up and starts flapping all over again. I could see/feel him looking at me, but I would not look at him. Then he was looking at these girls who were closest to him and they were trying to ignore him. This went on for about 5 more minutes.

And then he starts barking like a dog.

He holds up his hands like paws and starts going, "Ruff! Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff! RUFF!" He barks at me, but I ignore him. He barks at the girls near him but they ignore him.

So Crotchie resumes wild crotch manipulation at supersonic speeds.

I got out my phone and started text messaging some people in order to distract myself. I sms-ed Carlos something to the effect of "Ew. This guy sitting across from me is playing with himself, wildly fiddling with his crotch and trying to draw attention to himself," to which Carlos replied, "Yeah...sounds like just a regular day at a gay gym to me!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was laughing so hard, I nearly cried.

I was telling friend about this guy today and I was like, "So anyway, this guy got off before I did..." - HAHAHAHAHA. Ooops. I then clarified..."I mean, he got OFF the BUS before I did!"

So now I'm wondering if he just thought he was a dog and that wild crotch action was supposed to be his imitation of a dog scratching his balls? Whatever it was, it was weird!

I'm outtie!

Just When You Think You're Safe...

What is WRONG with people sometimes? I mean seriously....

So I'm at work this afternoon and I (stupidly) answer the phone and hear an unfamiliar voice ask for me. I say, "Ummm, this is Lori" and then I hear, "Oh, hi Lori, it's Will...." This is followed by a long stunned silence on my part. No, surely...it can't be...sigh. Finally I say, "Oh. Hi! How are you?" And he says, "Sorry I haven't called you in ages, I lost your phone number." It's funny that that's how he remembers it - as if he was the one who forgot to call me. The truth is, he called me quite a bit and then I accidentally on purpose never returned his calls. I had assumed he had given up and that I would not hear from him again. Why did I assume this? Because I have not spoken to him since 2001. That's right, you read correctly. 2001!!! WTF? Come ON!

I did feel bad about not returning his calls but he had such a bad memory I thought he would just forget the whole thing...and he kinda did...until today.

We only went out on a couple dates and he was very nice and sweet but I wanted to talk and get to know him and all he wanted to do was make out. It was quite bizarre. Like, I'd be sitting there, on a bar stool, at a pub, asking him some questions and listening to his extremely brief answers. I need a guy who can TALK. Anyone who has known me for more than two seconds knows I am a talkaholic, but I like being around people who like to talk a lot too. With Will, I was doing all the work. So, we're in this pub and I've tried asking him questions but he does not seem talkative so I start talking and he's totally not paying attention to me. He just keeps slowly moving towards me, aiming for my lips. It's like watching a bad movie in slow motion. Me talking and looking baffled as he glides slowly towards me, his mouth all puckered up and ready for the kiss. So I'd lean away from him, falling off my stool, or turn away or anything, and he'd still just head for my mouth and start to kiss me, while I was still talking! It got to the point where I'd give him a little smooch action, hoping that then we'd be able to chat some more. But no.

I'd start talking again and he'd start leaning in and aiming for the lips AGAIN! He was not a bad kisser, but how freaking WEIRD is that???? I stopped returning his calls after that. This was in 2001.

So he calls me today and starts telling me what he's been up to in the last four years and wants to know what I've been up to in the last for years. Right. Of course I'm at work, so after a few minutes I say I need to get back to work and he's like, "Well, we should catch up soon." I say nothing. He continues with, "How about tonight? Do you want to get together tonight?" I say I have plans tonight. He asks about tomorrow night. I say "No good." He then asks about later in the week or the weekend and I say this week is not good for me. We left it with him leaving his phone number and me saying I would call him if I wanted to catch up.

I feel like a horrible person, but talk about being caught offguard. FOUR YEARS, people! Doesn't that qualify the person as, "Someone I Don't Have to Worry About Contacting Me Again"???

I'm having flashbacks now. I keep seeing his lips coming at me in mid-conversation...:-(

I have another story from today, but I'm tired, so maybe tomorrow.....my DVD player has suddenly stopped working *pout* so I'm gonna have to read to get this mental image of Will's lips out of my head, instead of relying on Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda ;-)