I Can't Think of a Title That Won't Sound Idiotic

A good friend of mine just found out tonight that her father was killed. And I am still amazed that there is nothing to say to someone who's just lost a loved one that doesn't make you sound like a complete asshole. When something like this happens it's a whole lot of, "Oh my god, I'm so so sorry, I don't know what to say" and the person who is grieving says a lot of "That's okay, thank you." Sometimes the person who has lost someone actually ends up consoling the person who is trying to console them, in a "That's okay, don't worry, you don't have to say anything!" sort of way. There are never going to be any words to make anyone feel all better, not right then, at least. Not when it's just happened. And it's so bizarre to think that when someone you love dies, you can't just grieve on your own, you have to plan wakes and funerals and arrangements and cars and readings and gifts and flowers and about a million other little details, not to mention the pain of actually showing up and trying not to break down and to listen to person after person tell you how sorry they are for your loss. And how sorry they are they don't know what else to say. And you reassure them that they don't have to say anything.

I think it's really more of a presence that helps. Just knowing that people are there to help you, support you, distract you, hold you, when you are ready.

I thought a lot about my grandfather and my grandmother tonight - the ones who have passed away. One passed away completely by surprise. The other death we knew was coming. But both losses were completely agonising in their own ways. I still miss Dziadziu and Grandma heaps, but enough time has passed for the family to heal. You never forget, but you heal (hopefully). But when it first happens, it's terrifying because then and there, you can't imagine a time where you won't feel completely gutted.

I chatted to my friend for quite a while tonight - god, I just can't imagine having to ring your friends and tell them that your father was killed. It all seems so surreal. We hear it happening to other people all the time, but we don't expect it to happen to us or our friends/family. All my thoughts and prayers go out to B and her family tonight. I hope they make it through this the best that they can.

These little mortality kicks in the ass. We ride along, all comfortable, acting like everything's going to always be there. Or, at least I do. I am a big procrastinator. I put lots of things off. I always think, "Doesn't matter, I can do it next week." But maybe I can't. Or won't. Silly really. One of the reasons why I am obsessed with butterflies and wear so many butterfly things is to remind myself that life is fleeting, fragile, changing, beautiful. We're not going to be around forever. Butterflies remind me that life is impermanent. So if I want to do something, I should do it. If I want to tell someone something, I should do it. Today. Now.

After talking to my friend I had this really overwhelming urge to call my parents and tell them that I love them.

So I did.