Why My Body Went on Strike

A Perth Holiday Adventure, by B-Fly

Okay, so remember when I was whinging about being too sore and in pain to actually move and didn't want to go out on New Year's Eve, yadda yadda yadda? Well here's why. As mentioned in previous blogs, I had gone sand-surfing/sledding last Saturday morning. Climbing up the huge sand dunes was just a primer. That's where my legs got a bit sore. This story is about how they got really sore. What I like about this story is that, for once, it has nothing to do with me being in really bad shape. It was just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, being told the wrong thing but a complete tool. You know, that sort of thing....I feel like Sophia from the Golden Girls...."Imagine this....Sicily, 1942...."

Imagine this....Perth, Western Australia, Monday morning, December 30th, 2002. 5.30am. I'm supposed to be on a tour to Carnac and Rottnest Islands. I haul my tired ass out of my bunk bed to go take a shower in the Funk Motel (more about that later). The last thing I want to do is put on my bikini before 6am in the bleeping morning. Surely I can just get dressed and put my bathing suit on before we get to the first island, right? I won't be the only dork who doesn't have their bathing suit on at 6am, right?

7am. On the boat in Freemantle. At this moment in time, I am the only English speaking tourist in the boat. This is a first, and I have to say, it was pretty interesting to be in the minority, for once (more about this later too!) Everyone else on the tour only speaks Japanese. Thankfully we have a Japanese guide. She is nice. We also have Mr. Tool. I don't remember his real name, but he is the ass who is piloting the godforsaken boat. "Does everyone have their bathing suits on?" (Followed by translation in Japanese.) Everyone nods. DOH! I'm the only loser who doesn't have the bathing suit on underneath my clothes currently. Tool gives me a LOOK and tells me to go put my bathing suit on in the bathroom while we make our way to Carnac Island. Fine. Personally, I think it's a little too early for someone to have his bad attitude, but whatever.

So, I grab my bikini and make my way to the loo. I get inside and lock the door. This is definitely the smallest bathroom I've ever been in. It's just a stall, with a tiny sink and a toilet. No worries, I just need to put on my bikini and it's smooth sailing...um, not quite...I'm trying to get my bikini bottom on, but I keep falling over. There's absolutely nothing to hold on to. No bar, nothing. The best I can do is kinda cling to the sink to steady myself. The boat is swaying from side to side. Hard. Then the boat starts bobbing up and down. Very very hard. Ba-BOOM. Ba-BOOM. We start going faster and faster. This only increases the violent smacks of the boat on the water. Forget the freaking bathing suit, I'm worried about not getting hurt. We go even faster...what the hell is this idiot doing? We're in rough waters and we're in a pretty small boat. Is going faster really the answer? BOOM! BOOM! Water starts falling in from the ceiling, so I'm now soaked. BOOM! BA-BOOM! I start to hear screaming. What the bleepin' bleep is going on out there????

BOOM! BOOM! KA-BOOM! I stand low, bracing myself. I'm standing as low as I can (my Tai Chi teacher would be so proud), so I can keep my balance. BOOM! Crap....every time we go BOOM, my poor little body slams into the toilet, the sink, the wall. My ass and my back and my tailbone are the biggest targets. OW! OW! OW! I feel like a little ragdoll. And I'm going to be one freaking brusied little ragdoll. I start yelling, for no apparent reason, as no one can hear me. So, I'm standing there, like an idiot, with my bikini bottoms kinda on, kinda not on, my tank top on, and my bag of clothes around my wrist, clinging onto the sink and standing as low as I can, trying to avoid getting my ass/tailbone/back slammed into the toilet/wall, but I'm very unsuccessful. BOOM! KA-BOOM! Body slam! More water pours in from up above....I hear more people screaming. Are we taking in water? What is going on???

How the hell am I going to get out of here? I can't let go of the sink long enough to unlock the door and open it. If I open it, that means I won't be holding on to anything, and I'll be going flying into the stairs of the boat, probably head first, with my luck. But if I stay put, I'll keep getting battered by the toilet/wakll and I might hit my head or something, and if I'm knocked out, no one's going to come to get me, as I'm locked in from the inside....I focus on the strong desire to get out of here and smack Tool around the face.

20 minutes later, I manage to let go long enough to get the hell out of there. I, of course, fall into the stairs, stagger up them, and clumsily make my way to a spot to sit down. Everyone is clinging to their seats, most people are looking fairly green. I shoot death stares at Tool, but he is oblivious. While I am pissed off at this idiot for telling me to go into the damn bathroom in these horrible boating conditions, I am damn pleased to be alive, conscious, and not bleeding. Meanwhile, I still have to get my bikini top on, and I sure as hell am not going back down there. So, I somehow get my bikini top on in full view of the other passengers, with only my tank top to block me. I so don't give a damn, it's not even funny.

I don't get mad very often, but when I do, watch out. My dream at this point is to punch Tool in the face repeatedly and then lock him up in the bathroom while I drive the boat, hitting every bad wave at every bad angle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But I take deep breaths and decide to chill out. The freakin' 'tour' hasn't even started yet and I'm not going to let this bastard ruin my day. Plus, there's no way for me to be calm about this....if I talk to him about it now, I'm going to have to use some, well...not very nice words and it's gonna be a LONG day. So, I settle down, focus on all the beautiful things we're going to see that day, and mentally store all my expletives for a nice long letter I'm going to write to him when I get back to Sydney.

So, I experience the rest of the stomach-lurching ride from up above. At least the seats are padded here. More screams, a young girl tries to stand up for a second and flies across to the other side of the boat, the mother freaks out. I've never EVER had motion sickness in my life and I've been on my fair share of rough boat rides, but even my stomach is not the happiest. Meanwhile, Tool is still obvlious. He's got some fancy schmancy souped-up chair and a seatbelt and not a care in the world. He couldn't care less about kids and tourguides flying to the other sides of the boat or nearly falling out of the boat. That rat bastard!

Anyhoo, we get to slighly less choppy waters and this 12 year old-ish looking girl needs to use the loo. I try to stop her. "NO! Don't go! It's not safe! Please, wait till we get there." She just smiles at me and staggers away....of course she has no idea what I'm saying. I yell at one of the guides to translate to her and she just tells the girl to be careful. 15 minutes later, the girl staggers back out, looking absolutely traumatised. And these are better waters than before. The poor thing is pale and sickly looking and she has a lone tear running down her face. I want to hug her and tell her that I know what it's like.

Anyway, that's why I was in so sore. That is why I couldn't move on New Year's Eve. Trust me, if you did a really tense deep knee bend for a half an hour while getting beaten up by a toilet, you'd be a bit sore too. ;-) So, it wasn't SandMaster, it was, "Trying To Stay Upright, Conscious, and Un-Slammable in the Loo." Most hardcore workout of my life. ;-) Anyhoo, the point is, despite me being hurt and sunburn and sore and all, I had a fabulous time in Western Australia...I've fully recovered from the soreness, and the bruises on my ass/back are healing nicely, but I'm still working on the random sunburn....my left leg looks like I have the Mich.ael Jac.kson skin disorder. And I still have the one damn ring of sunburn on my left thigh. Totally looks like a garter belt. A gater belt of sunburn. It was all worth it though - WA is a gorgeous place - I would recommend to all of you...just remember never to go the bathroom on a moving boat, and make sure you get a full wetsuit (and not a half one like me) so your sunscreen doesn't come off randomly while you're snorkelling so you don't get the oddest sunburn designs on your legs! ;-)

Christmas in Western Australia/New Year's in Sydney Slideshow/Photogallery

A New Year's Tale

It's New Year's down at Rushcutter's Bay, Sydney. Perfect view of the Harbour Bridge, and LORI takes a pic of the gang. BEN offers to take a photo so LORI can be in it, but then a RANDOM MAN offers to take a photo. The gang poses, then they get ready to watch fireworks and toast with champagne..

CROWD: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Happy New Year!
GANG: Cheers, everyone! (clinking glasses)
C.J.: Okay, who wants some love? Who wants a hug? (C.J. proceeds to hug Dave, Stu, Lori, Emma, Ben, etc)
RANDOM MAN: I'd like some love - you got any champagne to spare?
STU: Sure, you did take our picture and all....(STU gives RANDOM MAN and RANDOM MAN'S WIFE some champagne)
RANDOM MAN: Thanks very much! Cheers!

Later on...

LORI (to gang) : The fireworks kicked ass once again!
RANDOM MAN: Yeah, those fireworks were absolutely amazing.
LORI: (noticing accent) Hey, where are you from?
RANDOM MAN: We're from Canada. We're Canadian.
LORI: (raising glass) Well, Happy New Year, fellow North Americans! Whereabouts in Canada are you from?
RANDON MAN: Vagina. We're from Vagina.

(long shocked awkward silence)

LORI exits the 'stage', laughing her ass off. EMMA looks puzzled and turns to BEN who is laughing at LORI laughing and shaking.

STU: (confused) Um, did he say what I think he said?
EMMA: What's going on? Where are they from?
BEN: They're from Vagina!
EMMA: WHAT????
LORI: (walking back towards the gang, still laughing) Well, technically, we're all from there, if you think about it....
C.J.: That is fantastic! I'm going to have to use that. That's where I'm telling people I'm from from now on. I'm from Vagina.
EMMA: Is he for real?
LORI: I don't know, but you can bet I'm going to look that up on the internet tomorrow...actually, forget that, I'm looking that up as soon as I get home!
STU: Is he really serious? Or just drunk? Did he really say that?
LORI: I just let a man from Vagina use my digital camera. Damn!
C.J.: (to RANDOM MAN'S WIFE) So, whereabouts in Canada are you from again?
RANDOM MAN'S WIFE: Vagina. Vagina, Saskatchewan.
C.J.: Right, thanks.
STU: Unreal...

LORI starts shaking with laughter again, exiting stage. Tears are streaming down her face.

STU: What a night. Good party, good fireworks, good champagne, and we've met someone from Vagina!

Ten minutes later, after much thinking about pens, T-shirts, postcards and other souvenirs saying, "Welcome to Vagina.."

LORI: Ohhh, I just had a flashback from elementary school. Crap, I think they must have said RUH-JIE-NUH, not VUH-JIE-NUH...I remember the teacher telling us that the capital of Saskatchewan was Regina, but she pronounced it RUH-GEE-NUH. Either she just told us the wrong way of saying it, because she didn't know any better, or she knew better than to tell us RUH-JIE-NUH because she knew we'd have a slew of VUH-JIE-NUH jokes.
STU: (sad) So, it's Regina, not Vagina?
LORI: I know....I'm disappointed too. Oh well - we can always neglect to tell people this part of the story....and let them believe in Vagina...

FADE OUT.

THE END

Okay, how immature am I? I'm 25 years old and this occurred over 3 days ago and I'm still cracking up as if it was happening the first time! Why did I have to remember my Canadian Province capitals and ruin it for everyone? (See, I know it's hard to believe, but Americans do actually have to learn capitals of things outside of America occasionally!) We're too old for Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, but for 15 minutes, we had...Vagina....

Happy New Year, Part II

Check out my photogallery/slideshow for my Christmas in Perth/Western Oz and New Years in Sydney. You can wait for the slideshow, or if you're in a hurry, just click on the little thumbnail on the side to view the pic you want.

I've got three things to thank for getting me out on NYE...The first was Fidelma's 'tough-love' SMS telling me my lame 'oh, but my body hurts' excuse wasn't good enough. This message helped, but still wasn't enough to get my ass out of bed. I had a headache, I was tired, and I was laying there, tenderly massaging my legs, trying to convince myself it wouldn't be too sad if I just stayed home on New Year's Eve to watch my Lord of the Rings DVD. I mean, I had chips, I had dip, I had cheese & crackers. I could even put on a sparkly top if I needed to.

Then Claudine called. I told her I couldn't move. I explained that movement of any kind produced hardcore swearing that would make most people blush. She was like, "Okay, I'm picking you up. We'll be at your place at 9.30pm. You're coming."

I couldn't argue with a ride. A ride would mean I wouldn't have to walk to/from a bus stop. A ride would mean a lot less cursing. So I whipped out Panadeine for the headache the Nurofen Gel I'd bought at the chemist and massaged it onto my pathetic legs/back. That is the BEST stuff ever! Within a half hour, I could stand up and sit down without swearing. That rocked!

I got myself into the shower, got dressed, put my party food into a bag, and was ready to go when Claud, Emma, and Ben arrived. I am very lucky to have good friends who know when not to take my crap. :-) Thanks, guys!

Chris was very kind to offer his pad up as the party place, Amanda kept the yummy pitcher flowing, Chad was a great DJ, and Fidelma delighted us all to her thesis on "Why Avril Lavigne is Evil" while managing to lip-sync perfectlyto her songs. (Oh and HUGE congrats to two super people who were not able to come to the party, but who certainly have something amazing to celebrate - I don't want to name names until that everyone who's supposed to know has heard it from them first!) So, the party was very good, talked to some very funny people....and in spite of my last blog, we went and saw some fireworks! Hehe! In my defense, I would not have wanted to go and stand for hours waiting, but then C.J. decided at 11.40pm that we should go watch the fireworks at Rushcutters Bay. It was only a 15 minute walk and my Nurofen Gel was still working (yay!), so we went and we had a fantastic view and it wasn't obscenely crowded, so it was a wonderful idea. As usual, Sydney knows how to do fireworks so well.

We also met a very entertaining Canadian couple while watching the fireworks - I don't know if I can type up the story now as I might pull a muscle in my stomach from laughing too hard and the last thing I need right now is another pulled muscle... ;-)

Happy New Year from Sydney!

So, I got back to Sydney from Perth this morning at 6.30am. And what am I doing right now? Well, it's about 6.30pm on New Year's Eve and I'm laying on my bed in my nightgown, hoping for the best. I am in pain and hoping for the humiliation to stop. I am in the worst physical condition of anyone I know - it's pathetic! It took me nearly 20 minutes to walk to Broadway this arvo (normally takes me about 3). I was on a mission to buy that cream old people use on their aches and pains...I was on the phone with my parents earlier and I was like, "What's that cream older people use? That gay cream?" They started laughing - 'Um, BenGay, Lori..." "Yeah, that's it!" I don't know if they have BenGay here...no doubt they have Gay Bens, but that's Sydney for ya. ;-). So I just bought this odor-less gel (so I won't have to smell like an elderly person, no offence to elderly people) that targets aching muscles/pain. I hope it works...right now I swear like a drunken sailor any time I need to sit down, stand up, move, etc. I don't know what I was expecting. You can't be a lazy ass all your life and then expect your muscles not to fight back when you suddenly decide to use them! I have pulled every leg muscle from the knee up and I am sunburned on my left left, from the knee down. OW. The pain got its foundation from sandsurfing/sledding in a little town called Lancelin in Western Australia (the actually sledding DOWN part was aweseome - it was climbing up that was a bitch!) Imagine climbing the steepest hill you can think of, only it's all made out of sand, so you just keep sinking back down. Best workout ever - forget stair master - SAND MASTER! So Sandmaster was the beginning of the pain, but it's what I experienced yesterday en route to Rottnest Island that enabled me to take my original pain to an all new level! It was also on this Rottnest adventure I got random bits of sunburn on my left calve, my left thigh, and my right hand/wrist. I'd forgotten how painful sunburn is.

I am too tired to tell the story now, so hopefully tomorrow, but boy was it an adventure I've never had before. I have lots of stories from Perth/WA, which I'll probably split up and re-cap over this week. In the meantime, I'm trying to get myself fit for going out tonight. I have 4 options, one of which I've already vetoed. There's no way in hell I can stand around for fireworks tonight. I adore Sydney's fireworks, but I have to live with my legs all year and they will not be standing for this tonight - literally. ;-) There are three little shindigs which sound promising, my only problem is actually motivating myself to get to one of them. I don't want to go out. I don't want to move. I just want to lie in a tub of ice and aloe. Is that so wrong?

Anyway, please ignore all my stupid whinging - I am well aware that a very sore and sunburned body is not a big deal and the main thing is that I had a wonderful time in Western Australia and met lots of cool/funny people. I would totally go back there to do the things I missed out on this time.

Okay, back to my aloe time....